Friends Don't Let Friends Get Their Souls Eaten
by Jackxter
Summary: "It's kind of like the X-Files mixed with Supernatural mixed with Torchwood, but instead of humans vs. monsters, it's Undertale monsters versus classic mythological monsters like vampires, plus a little bit of Lovecraftian stuff thrown in, too. You know, folks who really don't mean anyone well." - Someone Who Totally Isn't Me


The governor's office was in chaos. While Asgore had politely tried to explain that the tentacle creature attached to the governor's neck could not be removed through physical force, the governor had completely ignored his warnings, and was now rolling on the floor, crashing through various pieces of furniture, and generally making a huge mess of the place in a feeble attempt to yank the cone-shaped creature off. The problem was, the more he tugged, the tighter the foot-long beast gripped him with its suckers, and the more he gripped, the harder it was for Frisk and the three monsters there to help.

"Governor, we need for you to refrain from moving!" Papyrus cried. "It's the only way we're going to get it off you!"

"I, uh, I don't think he's listening, Paps," Sans simpered.

"Then we need to restrain him for his own good!"

"Nobody's touching anyone!" growled one of the governor's body guards, pointing his pistol at Papyrus and then (attempting) to aim back at the creature, his hands shaking. "Back away from the governor right the fuck now!"

"Just shoot the god damned thing already!" the man cried.

A second bodyguard shook his head, sweating. "We can't get a clear shot with you moving around, sir!"

"That's what I've been trying to say!" Papyrus cried. "But you're not going to do much good with that water pistol thing! Let Sans use his magic!"

"That's uh, not a 'water' pistol, Paps," Sans explained. "It shoots… er, I'll explain it to you later."

"Regardless, heed my advice!"

The bodyguard fiercely shook his head. "Uh uh, no way! For all we know you _made_ that thing with your freaky magic or whatever! God, can't believe I just said that."

The second bodyguard gave him a look. "There's a fucking Cthulhu hellbeast attached to Governor Richards' neck and you're having second thoughts about magic, Steve?"

"Not helping, Larry!"

"W-Will everyone please just calm down," Asgore gulped. "I've dealt with this type of thing before. Maybe some tea to calm the nerves will help? And stop that violent language?"

"Before?" Sans blinked. "I've never seen this type of- well whatever, following _your_ lead here."

"Mr. Richards, you have to listen to them!" Frisk cried. "They're only trying to help you!"

"GAAAAAAH!"

Mr. Richards was not listening.

Larry gritted his teeth, his finger now on the trigger. "Sorry kid, but we think _you've_ helped enough already!"

Asgore held up a finger. "I assure you, _we_ are not responsible for the Neck Cuddler! It was there before we even came! And again, they're not even too dangerous unless you-"

"GEEEEEEEET OFF!" the governor screeched, giving it another big yank to no avail. By now, dark blue veins were beginning to show on the poor man's neck.

"-provoke it," he sweatdropped.

"Say what?!" Larry snapped. "Watchu' talkin' bout Willis?"

Asgore raised a finger. "Um, I believe you're mistaken. I am Asgore, not Willis."

"It's just a… a thing, Asgore," Frisk said.

"A thing?"

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE THING!" Papyrus cried, exasperated.

"Shut up, all of you!" Steve hissed. "Just take the shot! I've had enough with dealing with _all_ of these freaks for one day!

"Feelings mutual, pal," Sans growled. "Starting to think Papyrus shouldn't have thrown you guys a _bone_ in the first place."

"SAAAAAANS! NOT THE TIME OR PLACE!"

"Sorry, Paps, stress just brings out my _punny_ side."

"AAAAAAAGH!"

* * *

"Yeah, and that's when things _really_ went to shit," Sans moaned, sitting around a campfire - Mt. Ebbot's peak looming in the distance.

Most of the population of the Underground that could move to the surface were now living in a tent city at the mountain's base. It helped that Mt. Ebbot was considered a national park, with campsites readily available - their amenities included. Papyrus stood at a nearby pole-mounted grill, being taught the fine art of… grilling with Grillby. With Sans specifically were Toriel, Alphys, and Undyne, the latter of whom was sipping on a can of Red Bull.

"Any luck getting your wings, by the way?" Sans prodded.

"Na," Undyne grunted, crushing the now-empty can in her fist. "Maybe it only works for humans? Their magic could be different or somethin'.."

"I'm starting to think they don't h-have _any_ magic - not any we're familiar with," Alphys said, tapping her chin. "Would explain why they couldn't see the… Soulless everywhere, right? Is that what you called the neck creature?"

"Mhm," Toriel chimed in. "Back before we were banished, humans could never see or sense most of them, as far as I can remember. Not without monster magic revealing them. 'To those whose nature doth conceals, a monster's touch shall make revealed.'"

"Huh," Sans blinked. "Come to think of it, nobody noticed the little neck hugger was there until Papyrus poked it."

Toriel smirked at him.

He shrugged. "Hey, you know Papyrus. He likes touching things."

 _"Guilty as charged!"_ Papyrus called, overcooking a burger with extreme passion as Grillby sighed heartily.

Sans nodded. "Yup. Luckily, Asgore seemed to know what to do. Kept us from yanking it off. The uh, governor, heh, didn't really follow orders too well, though. More he tugged on it, the more it stayed put. Jeez, Toriel, what in the world are we dealing with here?"

"I am not quite sure," Toriel said. "I haven't seen any of them for a long, long time. Not since I was a little one - before the barrier fell."

"Huh, m-maybe Asgore can explain?" Alphys said.

Sans tapped his chin. "Asgore or… maybe someone even older than him."

"Demons!" a hoarse old voice called, the origin of it being an old, green tortoise, who was now shambling towards the group, Undyne greeting him with an enthusiastic wave. "Or parasites! There's lots of words for their kind, and many kinds of them there are. But they all have one thing in common: they don't have a soul. Only way they live is by sucking off humans. Wah hah hah!"

"T-That sounds wrong for some reason, but I can't put my claw on it," Alphys sweatdropped.

"Sensei?" Undyne smiled at the turtle. "Eavesdropping, eh?"

"It's all I do at this age - felt this was my cue," he shrugged. "Hope I'm not intruding, your majesty."

"It's just Toriel now, Gerson, and you are more than welcome to join us," Toriel smiled. "My memory has a few holes in it. Perhaps you can help fill them in?"

"Yeah, what do you mean by 'sucking off human souls?'" Undyne said incredulously.

"Oh come on, kid," Gerson grunted. "Not that complicated. They like eating human souls. Fat, greedy little bastards, too. They eat and they eat until they are ready to burst before retreating to sleep off their meal. That pretty makes up their entire existence."

"Huh, sounds somewhat familiar," Toriel said innocently, throwing a teasing smile at Sans.

"I don't deny anything," he shrugged. "But uh… how come we've never seen any of these things underground? I thought every monster was banished?"

"Different types of 'monsters'," Gerson continued. "Not even monsters, really. The spell that trapped us inside wasn't meant for em'. Really, the only thing we have in common with them is that humans would call us all 'supernatural'. We're all magical creatures."

"A-Are you saying they've been living around humans, feeding off them since we were banished?" Alphys shivered. "And the humans don't know? T-That's creepy."

"It's complicated," Gerson said. "Again, there's lots of different kinds. Some can think, others are as dumb as a… a really dumb animal. Some like to take human hosts or have little quirks that make em' visible to em' if they look hard enough. Humans had many names for those ones: vampires, faire folk, boogymen, yokai-"

Alphys' eyes widened, her lips parting.

"Wait, what?!" Undyne shouted, suddenly standing up. "I knew it! I knew some anime was real! Frisk, you lied to me, you little punk!" She suddenly paused. "Hey, where is Frisk, anyway?"

"Still trying to seal the land deal with Governor Richards," Sans said. "Asgore figured it'd be best if the rest of us left after the, heh, 'incident'. "

Gerson gazed at Undyne, bemused. "And what in the world are you blabbering about, child?"

"Ehehe, it's Yo-Kai Watch," Alphys piped up sheepishly. "It's an anime. Bout monsters. E-Er, bad monsters. It's not really that good. The manga's much better."

"Yeah, but if that's real, who knows what else is?!" Undyne grinned. "Giant Robots, Super Saiyans, Death Notes?! Maaaan, can't wait to get access to the Overnet!"

"You mean the internet?" Toriel asked.

"Whatever."

"Wait a minute, I think we're overlooking something here…" Sans said. "So these soul sucking demons… I guess they're dangerous for humans, right?"

"Oh yeah," Gerson nodded. "Even if they don't eat any souls, they can make humans feel sick, lethargic… The worst it can do is drive folks completely insane… oh, and death. Forgot about the death part. And the ingrown toenails."

"Yep, this is gross," Undyne grunted.

"But informative!" Alphys beamed, notebook in hand. "K-Knowledge is power, right!?"

"Whatever, nerd."

Alphys whimpered slightly.

Undyne chuckled, elbowing her. "Why do I need to learn when you can do it for me, my _super sexy_ nerd?"

She squeed, bouncing slightly.

"But everyone's okay, right, Sans?" Toriel asked worriedly.

"Oh yeah, they're peachy," Sans chuckled. "Governor was close to kicking _everyone_ out - maybe even having us arrested - until Frisk mentioned how much gold was stored in the Royal Treasury. No more powerful force in the world than human greed, I guess."

"What about the Neck Cuddler?" Toriel asked.

Sans smirked. "Taken care of."

* * *

"Fuck it, I'm taking the shot if you're not, Larry, you big pussy!" Steve shouted.

"Dude!" Larry cried. "Are you sure about this!? You can't shoot for shit!"

"WHAT?!" the governor screeched.

"Yeah, shouldn't have said that out loud, but still!"

"Screw it!" Steven howled, taking aim at the Neck Cuddler. "Time to die, you hentai reject! Daddy's getting extra money in the bank, baby!"

The room held its breath as Steve pulled the trigger… only to miss his mark and shatter a potted plant in the corner of the room.

"No!" Asgore gasped. "Not those lovely petunias!"

He then gave the Neck Cuddler a death glare that froze everyone in the room - including the creature itself.

"You!" he snarled. "Creating a commotion during a civil meeting is one thing, but causing the destruction of lovely floral arrangements..."  
His eyes flashed red.

"Oh jeez," Sans gulped. "A-Asgore?"

"YOU HAVE COMMITTED A CRIME AGAINST NATURE, _AND MUST BE DESTROYED!.!.!_ "

And with a flash of the Monster King's fire magic, the creature was burned to a crisp with a pinpoint precision only thousands of years of practice could muster. The room continued to hang in stunned silence, only broken a minute later.

"Ehehe, how about that tea?" Asgore beamed. "And, um, could someone explain what hentai is?"

* * *

"Figures that that would be what motivates him to save the day," Toriel grumbled, folding her arms. She then rubbed her temples. "But at least once the deal goes through, we won't be living here illegally anymore, yes?"

"..."

Sans?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry," he sighed. "Just… kind of have a _bone_ to pick with those humans."

"Oh?"

"It's just… we did them a favor by getting rid of the Soulless, right? Just wish they would have shown us some gratitude - instead, they tried to blame _us_ for it. Too much to ask for, though, huh?"

"Don't judge them too harshly, kiddo," Gerson sighed. "They just didn't know what they're dealing with."

"Meh, I say screw em', Sans," Undyne grunted, folding her arms. "Who cares what the humans think of us! All we need from them is a little bit of land and for them to leave us alone, right?"

Sans remained silent.

"Right?"

"Eh, I dunno, _tibia_ honest," Sans sighed. "Just got mixed feelings, I s'pose."

"About what?"

"Eh…"

Undyne practically facepalmed. "Ugh, that's what I get for trying to talk about emotions like a girly girl. You are so difficult, Sans! And the weirdest thing of all is you're brothers with _Papyrus!_ He can't get enough of that sensitive crap."

 _"Holding back ones feelings only leads to unnecessary pain! Your friends love you and are here for you - give us everything you have!"_

"You bet, Paps," Sans sighed.

"Sweet Monster Jesus," Undyne groaned.

"Who?" Sans blinked.

"I-It's a thing," Alphys shrugged. "She's doing a thing."

"Okay."

Toriel smiled. "Well, I'm just glad things went over as smoothly as they have so far."

"Wouldn't call what just happened, smooth, Tori," Sans said.

"I'm talking about in general. I was worried that the humans may not have changed much over the years, but it seems quite a few of them have taken a lesson in kindness and trust. Remember all the protests when that nasty politician wanted to force us back into the mountain?"

"Heh, yeah, that was pretty cool," Sans smiled. "And that one other senator really stood up for us, too. The dude from Vermont. Frisk really won his heart over, I think. No wonder she always keeps her eyes half shut - those puppydog peepers could kill."

"H-Helps that Mt. Ebbot is in one of the more progressive areas of the country, too," Alphys chirped. "They're more… trusting."

"Meh, I still think the humans are just trying to get somethin' from us," Undyne grumbled. "Healing magic. It's _all_ the news reporters wanna talk about. They think it can solve all their problems: cancer, AIDs, clinical depression, the whole nine yards."

"Eh, yeah," Sans said, moving his head back and forth. "Nice that we have something to trade, though - ya know, to help guarantee our freedom. But..."

Gerson stared at him pensively, before a smile slowly crept to his face. "You think there's something else we can trade?"

"Not just trade," Sans sighed. "Something that is our moral responsibility to _give_ , even if we don't get a pat on the back." He then rolled his small dots for eyes. "Heh, look at me talking about 'moral responsibility'".

 _"And I'm proud of you for doing so, Sans!"_ Papyrus called, adding a dash of fire starter to the grill, much to Grillby's chagrin. _"What?! It'll help bake the grease away!"_

"Thanks, Paps," Sans chuckled.

"W-Wait, what do you mean, Sans?" Alphys asked.

Sans cleared his throat. "What I mean is, if the Soulless are hurting humans and only monsters can do something about it - ya know, like earlier - shouldn't we, ya know… do something about it?"

Toriel raised her eyebrows. "That's… surprisingly proactive of you, Sans."

" _Now I'm double proud of you!"_ Papyrus called, now standing in front of a raging inferno.

Sans shrugged. "Eh."

"More like _dumb_!" Undyne grumbled. "Come on, Sans, we don't owe the humans jack shit! They sealed us away in the first place and half of them have been treating us like garbage!"

"True," Sans admitted.

Gerson gazed at them, his mind in another time. "I wouldn't dismiss the idea that quickly. Before the war, there were entire groups of monsters dedicated to doing just that: the Hellsingers, the Nightwatch…"

"Ooooo, and the Silver Arrows!" Undyne suddenly proclaimed. "I remember you talking about them! Badass werewolf hunters!"

"What happened to not caring?" Toriel smiled.

Undyne shrugged. "Hey, who says you'd need to fight werewolves to help humans? Just fighting werewolves alone would be kickass! I mean, _you're fighting werewolves!_ That's friggin' awesome!"

"A-And scary," Alphys shivered, hugging Undyne tight.

"That's part of what makes it awesome!"

Sans shot her a confused glance. "Werewolves?"

"Big, furry killing machines," Undyne grinned. "Look like humans during the day, but transform under the full moon. I always thought you were just making stuff up about them, Gerson."

"Nope, they were, and probably still are, very real, you betcha!" Gerson grunted. "Not exactly, Soulless, though… well, kind of..."

"Let me guess, 'it's complicated,'" Toriel joked.

"Always is," Gerson shrugged.

"How about something less complicated?!" Papyrus suddenly beamed, marching into the scene with a plate full of burgers. "Like a delicious, non-greasy dinner courtesy of Papyrus and Grillby!"

Grillby shot him a look.

"Eh, well mostly Grillby, but I helped!"

"Looks delicious, you two!" Toriel smiled.

"Hell yeah it does!" Undyne said, practically drooling. "Nothing better than a greasy-"

"Non-greasy!" Papyrus pouted.

"-Grillby's burger!"

"What's the occasion, ole' buddy?" Gerson asked Grillby.

"To celebrate the land deal - or at least the idea of it," Grillby explained. "Told Papyrus he didn't need to help - that he earned a good dinner with the whole mascot thing, but he uh, insisted."

"Must. Learn. More. Cooking!" Papyrus said robotically. "Expanding my culinary skills outside of spaghetti is my new life goal!"

"That's my bro," Sans said proudly, biting into his burger. "Mm-mmm, and just like back in Snowdin. You're the man, Grillby."

"I do what I can," he chuckled, before turning his attention to a pair of figures moving towards the camp from the distance. "Looks like we've got more dinner guests."

"Asgore! Frisk!" Undyne greeted the two happily as they made their way into camp, monsters gazing at them curiously, mainly at the two victorious smiles they were sporting. "Wassup, you two!"

"Nothing but joy and good news!" Asgore proclaimed proudly. "We have sealed the land deal! Mt. Ebbot now officially belongs to us all!"

"Seriously!? You did it?!" Undyne beamed.

"Yup!" Frisk smiled. "50 square miles around Mt. Ebbot!"

"I can't believe it! This is amazing!" Papyrus bounced, nearly dropping a plate of burgers.

"Heh, did you have to whip out the ole puppydog peepers, kiddo?" Sans asked Frisk. "Can't see how it'd have gone through without em'."

Frisk winked, before giving him a full dose of them.

"Oh god," Sans cried dramatically, clutching the spot where his heart would be. "With great power comes great responsibility, kid. Always remember that."

Frisk giggled, before giving the skeleton a big hug.

"Awwww, t-this is too adorable!" Alphys cooed.

Undyne rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, now let's cut the sappy stuff and get to partying already! Hit it, Napstablook!"

Nearby, the dapper ghost nodded, and as if he had been preparing for this moment, immediately activated a sound system powered by a car battery.

"Yeeeeeeeah! _Spooktunes v10_!" Undyne grinned, getting up and beginning to spontaneously dance. "You rock, little buddy!"

Like a spark hitting gasoline, the entire camp immediately erupted into celebration as well. What was once a somber mood became one of euphoria, and music, dance, and chatter of what was to come spread through the night.

"Looking forward to rebuilding Grillby's up here!"

"I can't wait for it!"

"I call dibs on building my house at that spot by the stream!"

"oooo… I wanted that spot…"

"There's room enough for two! We'll be neighbors!"

"yay!"

"And I can build my new media empire on Youtube! MTT Entertainment will dominate the human internet! Ooooo, Asgore, do you think I can get enough land to build another resort up here, too? The hot springs are just begging for use!"

"Can't see why not!"

"What are you gonna do, Temmie?"

"Tem use saved gold todo high frequency stocks trading! Tem dominate Wall Street and reform it as a force fo' good, not evil!"

"W-Wait… what?"

"TEM TAKE CAPITALISM AND MAKE IT WORK FOR PROLETARIAT! IF NO WORK, TEM BURN CAPITALISM TO THE GROUND! YAYAYAYA!"

"What?! This… this isn't even related to-"

"Tem learned bout' Karl Marx in economic philosophy class! Working class bein' sploited by greedy Bourgeoisie, Burgerpants!"

"Can't say I disagree, but who's Karl Marx?"

"Wwwaaaaaaaah?! You no know?! Tem must teach you bout' class consciousness!"

"I'm confused… but intrigued."

And as the night went on and as Burgerpants was quickly converted into a Communist, Sans' group forgot all about their previous conversation.

For now.


End file.
